40 days...
It's hard to comprehend how these last weeks have gone so fast and so slow at the same time...
Today marks the last day of ritualistic mourning (according to the Russian tradition) for my Grandma...I can take off my black headband and start wearing color. I can go to the movies or sing, if I wanted to. That's the thing about it though--ritual--repeated motion, sometimes with no thought or emotion, done out of obligation and habit. Was it like this to me? To a point, yes. Why??
Perhaps, it's because the news slammed me in the head right after Christmas with no warning or signs of trouble. Not only was I not able to believe it and accept what was happening, but it happened so quickly that I also was not able to make it home in time to say my good-byes and attend a funeral. Though... how can you say "good-bye" to a person who's in a coma and who's been on life support...Would that really have been a real "good-bye"???
I go back in my memory to our last trip home...and that's when I know we parted...said our last good-byes, exchanged our last hugs...and I wiped the last tears off her wrinkly cheeks...I know she felt it could be the last time...I think I knew that too.
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| Babushka showing her old photos to hubby... |
Still, in the midst of the emotions and grief, I don't think I quite grasped the loss itself. I hadn't been there to witness her stroke; I hadn't been there to make visits to the hospital; I hadn't been there to hear the news; I hadn't been there to make arrangements for the funeral and go through the terribly demoralizing few days of parting with your loved one while trying to make decisions and arrangements for everything that has to follow such occasions.
I received the news. I got struck with sadness and grief. I obliged to the ritual of mourning. But have I really mourned?
It's the hardest to lose a family member and not be there to say "good-bye"...even to a lifeless body adorned in flowers and dressed up in her best get-up, surrounded by her close family members, beloved girlfriends, neighbors, former students, and spoken about in the best possible way...It's hard.
It's hard to believe. It's hard to imagine what it would be like when we go visit home this summer. The truer, more acute and painful mourning would most likely happen there and then, when my heart would sink at the sight of my grandparents' empty apartment... and then my Grandpa sitting alone in my mother's house...No more "Olya!", no more "Alexandr!!!" shouted throughout their little cozy home to get each other's attention. They lived together for 70 years...70! I do know I'll feel incredibly and deeply sad...it'll be even harder to say good-bye to my lonely grandpa this time around...
I knew these times of loss were coming, and I thought I was somewhat prepared to such news after my Dad's passing 2 years ago. But it still slams you in the head like a bag of rocks...you feel paralyzed with shock, then pain, then emptiness...
My grandma was 89...A long and fruitful life, life of giving, teaching, loving, embracing the change...It was life full of memories and love.
I'll remember your small frame, your wet kisses, your loud "teacher voice" and your beautiful singing voice, your love for scarves and for picking up wild mushrooms..Oh you were a true fanatic in the woods!! And of course, your traditional send-off gift to me--roasted pumpkin seeds. Your love and care were in that little bag of seeds, and I always ALWAYS thought of you with gratitude.
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| roasted pumpkin seeds from Babushka |
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| simple tea parties at Grandparents' apartment |
I sure do miss you, my beloved Babushka....I so do. I hope you know how much I've loved you...
