So yesterday was Thanksgiving.
As usual, it was filled with great family time and, of course, great food. It was a good day. To my question "What are you thankful for?", my son declared "I'm thankful for my sister!" <aweee> He is such a sweet boy, and of all the things he could have said, he mentioned his little sis first...I was touched. And it got me thinking...family is always going to be your family. No matter what. You can't get away from it. You're stuck! Hopefully, stuck in a good way...They are the people you rely on in times of need, and they are the people you want to share your most wonderful moments in life with. Family rules! I'm happy my son, even at his tender age of just 4 years old, finds his little sis to be his biggest blessing.
As for me, I'm thankful for my wonderful hubs and my kids. They are the precious gift from God, for which I can't thank Him enough. I'm also so very grateful for my family, near and far, who love me and care for me in so many ways. I'm thankful for our church family, who never fail to support us, guide us, and walk with us in faith. I'm beyond blessed with some pretty cool friends. They are spread all over the world, but nonetheless, they are always here for me when I need them, and I always keep a secure cozy spot for them in my heart. And did I mention the neighbors? They're pretty great, too!!! :) So many great relationships and experiences to be thankful for!!!! But most of all, I'm thankful for the ultimate gift, the gift of salvation. God is so good and compassionate that He has sacrificed His only Son for us to be saved from the eternal wrath and instead gain the eternal life. Wow. Who can top that? Definitely a major reason to celebrate!!!!
But as we gathered at a family dinner table yesterday at my hub's parents' house, I couldn't help but miss my own family. My Mom and Dad...my sister and her little clan...my grandparents....I was sad. Don't get me wrong, my husband's family rocks, and I love them wholeheartedly. But looking at them being so happy together, enjoying the company of each other, watching the siblings' interaction, and especially, having both parents there...it just got me teary-eyed and sad that I won't have that any longer with my side of the family...my Dad will not be playing with his grand kids and he will not witness them grow and mature...and I won't be sitting next to my Dad, having my head on his shoulder...and my Dad won't be cooking his famous meals for us...A part of my family puzzle is lost, and it won't be complete anymore...
This feeling of envy and sadness on such nice holiday caught me off guard.
I miss my Dad. I feel sorry for my Mom. I pity my grandparents who feel guilty and that they deserved to go first. I sympathize with my sister who is torn between her own family and job responsibilities and my Mom's needs right now. I just feel a little unwell and guilty myself that I should be doing more, being there for them, providing answers and solutions. I know it's not up to me, and I can only do so much being thousands of miles away. I just wish things weren't so complicated. I wish I could do somethings significant for all of them.
So it was a very nice holiday, but with a touch of sad. I think a lot of things to come will have this kind of "touch" to them...it's natural, and it's inevitable. I have to be prepared and welcome these sad feelings with gratitude--I have been blessed with a GREAT Dad!!! The memories of him are warm and touching and not the other way around...I have a great family back home. I have a great family here. I have so much to be thankful for, and so I am.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
40 days
According to the Russian tradition, we observe a 40 day period of mourning to honor a deceased person. Today is the 40th day, and I have to say that it has been the hardest time on my life. I've never cried or hurt so much, and never did it hurt so deeply. I still can't quite believe that it had happened to my family...but the reality is slowly sinking in--Papulya is no longer with us. It still hurts whenever I think of him...I know it might for a while. It's hard to get used to new circumstances, hard to think differently, without him in the picture...but eventually you just gotta. It's inevitable and even necessary. The longer you stay in your sad memories of the past, the deeper you get sucked into them...You don't realize you're being stuck, because your senses are so dull from the pain, and you think you're just being still in your sadness, but in reality you get swollen deeper and deeper into the swamp of your grief. Danger! Danger!
I do not want to be there...I want to honor my Dad by the great, funny, warm memories of him, and not dwell on the suffering of his last days or on my own pity. Papulya lived a relatively long and good life. He had worked very hard as an radio/telephone engineer at the same place for 35 years, something that happens very rarely these days, and retired with honors and recognition. He raised two daughters, watched them get married and have kids. What a blessing!! He immensely enjoyed having grandchildren. He loved them with all his heart, and they gave that love back in ten-fold!!! He was a good friend to many, reliable and trustworthy, always being asked for advice and opinion. But most of all, he was the best friend, a constant companion of 42 years, a loving spouse to my Mom.
We all struggle with the loss, but we all hold and will cherish many wonderful memories of my Dad...the memories we really ought to focus on at this time.
My Dad left this Earth very early, but that's only according to my timing. God had called him, and we have to find peace in this fact because it was according to His will, something beyond our power and understanding. We have to learn to accept this. And going through this painful process of dealing with the death of my Dad is a part of God's plan also...I hope and pray that it will only make us stronger and wiser in the end, not bitter and somber.
I don't really know what the future holds for me, for my family. I pray that we all find strength to overcome this dull pain in our hearts and will learn to take full breaths of air again, to feel joy, to smile again because something made us feel genuinely happy, whatever that something might be...
Papulya, my dear Papulya, you have been a huge part of my life, and you will always stay with me and hold that special spot in my heart. I hope and pray you're in heaven.
Люблю и помню.
I do not want to be there...I want to honor my Dad by the great, funny, warm memories of him, and not dwell on the suffering of his last days or on my own pity. Papulya lived a relatively long and good life. He had worked very hard as an radio/telephone engineer at the same place for 35 years, something that happens very rarely these days, and retired with honors and recognition. He raised two daughters, watched them get married and have kids. What a blessing!! He immensely enjoyed having grandchildren. He loved them with all his heart, and they gave that love back in ten-fold!!! He was a good friend to many, reliable and trustworthy, always being asked for advice and opinion. But most of all, he was the best friend, a constant companion of 42 years, a loving spouse to my Mom.
We all struggle with the loss, but we all hold and will cherish many wonderful memories of my Dad...the memories we really ought to focus on at this time.
My Dad left this Earth very early, but that's only according to my timing. God had called him, and we have to find peace in this fact because it was according to His will, something beyond our power and understanding. We have to learn to accept this. And going through this painful process of dealing with the death of my Dad is a part of God's plan also...I hope and pray that it will only make us stronger and wiser in the end, not bitter and somber.
I don't really know what the future holds for me, for my family. I pray that we all find strength to overcome this dull pain in our hearts and will learn to take full breaths of air again, to feel joy, to smile again because something made us feel genuinely happy, whatever that something might be...
Papulya, my dear Papulya, you have been a huge part of my life, and you will always stay with me and hold that special spot in my heart. I hope and pray you're in heaven.
Люблю и помню.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
First. Hopefully Not The Last.
I know this is probably the last thing I should be starting right now, given my current state of mind and heart, but...as they say, blogging is cheaper than therapy, and I feel there is a grain of truth in it somewhere. I can't help but wonder if blogging would help me get over some heartache by sharing and pondering and also, in a way, start a new chapter in life with new friends, new outlook, new me. Here is to hoping.
About a month ago, my Dad passed away.
Cancer.
This horrible, frightening, evil word.
It happened so fast that I don't think even he realized what had happened.
It took only about a week for Dad to go from a healthy looking, happy and cheerful man to someone who only resembled my Dad because of his unmistakable buzz-short gray hair.
A week.
My family and I just visited with my parents in August, having a fun summer, creating wonderful memories.
In October, everything changed.
It's hard to believe that he's gone...there is no more Papa...there is no more silly redundant jokes, there is no more funny sounds on Skype for the kids, there is no more yummy potato pancakes only he knew how to make right...All the memories, all the overwhelming emotions of love and loss, all the sorrow and tears...IT HURTS. A LOT.
I struggle to make sense of it all, but...life is such.
Papulya, as I used to affectionately call him, may be gone physically, but he always, I mean it, always will live in my heart. I'm sure there will be more musings and posts about loss and heartache because you don't just get over it one day and feel OK all of a sudden. But I would like to dedicate this first post to my beloved Papa, who in a way inspired and encouraged me to start this blog.
I love you.
About a month ago, my Dad passed away.
Cancer.
This horrible, frightening, evil word.
It happened so fast that I don't think even he realized what had happened.
It took only about a week for Dad to go from a healthy looking, happy and cheerful man to someone who only resembled my Dad because of his unmistakable buzz-short gray hair.
A week.
My family and I just visited with my parents in August, having a fun summer, creating wonderful memories.
In October, everything changed.
It's hard to believe that he's gone...there is no more Papa...there is no more silly redundant jokes, there is no more funny sounds on Skype for the kids, there is no more yummy potato pancakes only he knew how to make right...All the memories, all the overwhelming emotions of love and loss, all the sorrow and tears...IT HURTS. A LOT.
I struggle to make sense of it all, but...life is such.
Papulya, as I used to affectionately call him, may be gone physically, but he always, I mean it, always will live in my heart. I'm sure there will be more musings and posts about loss and heartache because you don't just get over it one day and feel OK all of a sudden. But I would like to dedicate this first post to my beloved Papa, who in a way inspired and encouraged me to start this blog.
I love you.
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