Snow...

Snow...

There's no way to describe how we feel about the snow...
The expressions on kids' faces say it all--LOVE, JOY, EXCITEMENT, EXPLORATION, CONTENTMENT, RESTLESSNESS!!! ;)
I think it's similar to our feelings about the beach...we can hang there for hours, and the kids act pretty much the same way--they lie relaxed in the snow or sand, they make snow/sand angels, they throw it, build with it, eat it, bury themselves in it, climb it, pretend play with it--they LOVE it.

The humid heat and freezing cold might be annoying and inconvenient, I won't deny that. But once we get to experience other aspects of the seasons, other than temperatures, (like going outside to shovel or sled... or drive to the beach... or set up a pool in the backyard), all of a sudden we only see the fun and happiness these "inconvenient" seasonal circumstances bring to our kids. 

And, since it's pretty much a done deal that the seasons will repeat next year, and the year after that, and, surprise, the year after that, duh, we might as well get used to them and teach our kids the tolerance and, better yet, gracious acceptance of all seasons we are so fortunate to experience here in PA.

We lead by example, and least of all I want my children to mimic my grumpiness and say things like "I hate winter", "I can't stand this stinking heat"...because, let's face it, the truth is--I really truly don't hate the cold or the heat. "Hate" is a pretty strong word, in my opinion, for that...Instead I choose to roll with the punches, and as a result, I genuinely do get to enjoy ALL seasons.

So why teach them useless whining about things you can't change??
I won't.
I will be right there with them, building sandcastles and jumping in ocean waves, looking for pretty fall leaves and embracing the never-ending rain by having fun in puddles, building a snowman and going down the hill screaming in a sled, looking for worms in the garden while planting spring flowers and catching bugs...
I will enjoy life and nature and seasons, and I will do so with a happy heart!
Bring on the blizzards and monsoons!
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This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24, ESV)

...and when we  woke up, the world was covered in white...

the biting wind caught her off guard...

blizzard madness

they made an igloo with a tunnel, haha :)

brave and restless!

cold but happy :)

4 years....

4 years....
My chest tightens, and the tears are still at the edge of my eyes, ready to flow...
The time passes, and it's true that it eases the inner emotional struggle, but what it doesn't take away is the pain....The kind of pain that you can' explain or control, the kind of pain that is always nagging, always tugging, always reminding you of your immense loss...
As soon as my son't Birthday passes at the beginning of October, the memories overflow my mind and heart....That call I got right after the Birthday party week-end 4 years ago...I was still on celebratory high, still blissful and feeling happy and blessed to have a bright funny boy and a loving family who came to celebrate with us his 4th Birthday....still remember answering my phone while kicking up the balloons on the floor, looking cheerfully at all the decorations around.....and then "Bam!", the news hit...and my heart sank.
I will probably never forget this phone call, the one we all fear to get one day...The events rolled out so fast after that, and some details are fading, but I still remember slowly sitting down on a chair as I was listening to my sister on the phone and processing the news of my Dad being diagnosed with stage 5 cancer....I remember packing my suitcase to fly home...and how I packed black tops and black headbands, just as I was fearing I might need them....how I cried and prayed the whole flight over to Europe unable to sleep and rest and eat on the plane...how I arrived home and got weak in my knees seeing my Dad so frail, so skinny, and in so much pain....how I held his tiny big hand and prayed my simple prayer of salvation and how I so hoped he had heard me in his painful agony....how only an hour later I witnessed him take his last breath, and how everything after that became just a blur of a day with funeral arrangements, the afterglow with relatives, the first night without him and then weeks thereafter of my mom, my sister, and I together trying to figure out life without Dad....

In the 4 years that passed, I have realized that the pain though didn't fully disappear, it did subside.
It hurts, yet it doesn't sting.
It brings on tears, yet now they are more like a sad appreciation of days we had together.
It brings painful memories, yet it also brings healing...yes, pain does that. The more you acknowledge it, the more you explore it and address it, the healthier the relationship with your past is...You stop letting it define you, you stop living in it, stop regretting unfinished tasks, stop wishing for do-overs...you accept it as it happened,  and you are able to move on.

I still experience pain....I always will. More losses will happen, and more tears will be cried. But my hope is that I will be able to rely on this experience to remind me that pain makes me real, pain helps me feel, pain brings on the healing.
You don't have to live in pain to heal.
You just need to have hope that one day it'll be OK.
One day, it'll be a different tomorrow.
One day, it'll be a new you.

I miss you, Papulya....I love you and I miss you....

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He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

Summer...

We've hit the sweet spot of summer, I think...

The newness and the excitement of the first weeks of summer vacation wore off, and now we find ourselves in the middle of hot lazy days where alarm clocks don't exist, where we don't have to go anywhere unless we want to, where we play with no "stop" time, and the only rule is to take breaks for meals. I let the kids choose their own fun, and they happily oblige. Each day they come up with new ideas, whether it's from our summer bucket list or a completely new concept sparked by their own imagination. 

Yesterday they worked hard on making their own Lego Star Wars video, today we visited bunnies at the farm again, tomorrow they are making plans to set up our pool and have splash fights...We read books and practice writing by journaling our summer adventures, but other than that, school and its responsibilities haven't come up, and my son finally said that he doesn't miss school anymore and wishes summer were as long as the school year :) 

We are in the middle of this awesome summer simplicity, and I can honestly say, we are really loving these slow paced weeks instead of the usually overpacked "fun" summer days...I know that in just a couple of weeks the stores will replace beach towels and patio furniture with school supplies, boots, and sweaters, and everything will start to slowly whirlpool around the "back to school"  stuff... 

So for now, we are going to fully enjoy our down to earth summer days, filled with backyard adventures, spontaneous trips to the farm or local creameries, hard core coloring, movie watching, and playing pretend until it's dark outside... and maybe even later, because who doesn't love summer nights full of fireflies and s'mores?

summer bucket list 2015

fun with bubbles

berry picking

farm animals

lazy summer mornings

Still...

The rush of the school morning is over...
Breakfasts've been made,
Lunches've been packed,
Coffee's been drunk...
Devotions and prayer times've been had...

I look around and see the usual sight: the dishes are piling up high in the sink, the floor is covered with crumbs of the last 3 meals, kitchen table is covered with mail and schoolwork and leftover plates....

But it's the moment of this astonishing quietness that overshadowed all this mess....I perk my ears and realize that my daughter is still resting, and that the house is quiet...and it is MINE...even if only for the next 5 minutes...because you know--Murphy's law and all...

So I jump at a chance to be still and quiet...I curl up on the couch with my favorite blanket and just savor the sight of my humble home lit up only by the still lingering January Christmas tree lights...

I breath deeply and bring myself to a peaceful place of "right now" and "right here". This moment of complete surrender of time and will, just being present and aware of the wonderful precious blessing of being alive, of being a part of my family, of today, of this very moment...
Thank you, Lord.

hope

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 15:1-5)

Summer had come and gone....relationships--mended and broken again...hope--given and destroyed.
How's there still joy in life?
I don't have an answer.
It makes absolutely no sense to me.
And that's why I'm clinging to the only thing I know is certain, the only thing that is constant, the only relationship I can wholeheartedly rely on.
My God has never treated me badly, abandoned me, or looked down on me. When I mess up, I apologize. And He accepts my apology. Then He lovingly encourages me to repent and change my attitude. It all comes with an overwhelming flow of love and acceptance that fills my heart with hope.....that I will be ok. WE will be ok.
People...Well, people are just not the same. We have pride. And pride ruins it all.
My heart has been broken to pieces several times in the last few months.
I didn't think I could take any more pain, but I had to. And I survived. And I persevered.
I have to keep going, for when I loose hope, I loose the will to live....
There's so much to life than dwelling on the negative.
My hope is in the Lord.
It's going to be ok.
It's going to be ok...

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)

Motherhood...

Every morning I wake up with the best of intentions, full of hope that today will be different from yesterday, excited for a fresh start, blessed with new mercies and forgiveness of yesterday's shortcomings....Every morning I promise to be patient and slow to loose my temper, be fun, be happy, be optimistic. Most mornings I feel refreshed and ready for the challenge of being the best mom I could be. Most...And most days I can keep it together and overlook the multiple tantrums, unfinished coffees, piles of dirt and toys and dishes and still say at the end if the day "It was a good day!" 

But some days....oh those "some days"... Some days are as dark as the dungeon with no windows and doors through which I can see at least a glimpse of light and hope...Some days I can barely move and comprehend the tasks at hand...Some days all I see are dark grey clouds over my head even though it's bright and sunny out...

Some days.......UGH, I imagine myself being in a car accident either dead or badly injured...so that I can stay in the hospital alone and take a break from all the busyness and craziness of everyday life... so that there isn't any more dark days and pain that comes with them......so that my responsibilities are over and done...so that I stop disappointing my family, my friends, and.....myself......
It sounds terrible. horrifying. selfish. crazy. disappointing....but these are REAL feelings if a REAL mom...a real mom who is actually a forever optimist at heart, who always wants to see the better side of everything, the mom who can't stand negativity and derives her energy from faith and hope and cheerful people ....This same mom who sees her kids as true gifts, undeserved and just PERFECT for her...yes, she can also see them as burdens and as some sort of a punishment for her mistakes....
Oh these dark days are thick, heavy, slow, and dense, like that black sticky sap on the trees....if you get yourself into it, you can barely get it off: it's on you, it's around you, it's everywhere, and you just sit in this black sticky goo and give up because you can't see the way out, there's no way....everything has become dark. you're stuck. you can't move. you can't help yourself.

But then, ONLY by God's grace, little by little I begin to miss my children...I  long to see their faces and touch their skin, I slowly begin to want to ask them questions and hear their sweet voices responding back....I slowly become "me" again, I return inch by inch into this bright day full of unexpected discoveries and underlying truths of yesterdays and revelations of tomorrow's true hope...The light becomes more evident and pushes the darkness away. I lean toward the light, trying to be careful not to burn myself and not to blow it out again....trying to look at it anew again and learn one lesson at a time...

The kids and I gather again around the table doing a craft or having lunch together chatting away about pretend heroes and adventures of their imaginations...I can acutely sense that at this moment I am present, I am right here, and I am aware, I'm alive...
I know this moment is very fragile, just as my state of emotions: it's fleeting and unpredictable... 
I try to savor it and enjoy the feeling of belonging to something special and unique, witnessing the moments my kids will be asking to tell them about when they grow up. 
I want to hold on to this moment so it can anchor me, to remember what it feels like to be in momentary contentment, and to feel happy, these wonderful happy flutters in my heart. 
Oh if I could just choose to be this grounded and content all the time, trust me, I would, I SO would...but some days I just can't.

But I know God has a plan for me still...if He didn't, I wouldn't be sitting here sobbing....
He only lets me get this far down to reveal Himself and to call my name and lead me back up showing bits and pieces of His greatness along the way...
I know that my emotions are not true....they are VERY REAL, but these thoughts of guilt and despair are contrived, deceitful, and vain, they are not of God.

I will wait for Him and listen..I will make a point to enjoy the little quiet moments that I get here and there, and I will build on that. I will pray and cry my heart out and be vulnerable. I will patiently wait for God's gracious hand to point in the right direction and...to softly pat me on my back...whether by ways of my hubby, or kids, or a friend. I'll take those human touches as heavenly strokes of my Father who never fails to show me His compassion and love and to lead me out of this darkness...

Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you. (Psalm 25:4-5)

Grey skies, friendship, and flavors of tears...

Do you ever have a feeling that the sky is grey above you, even though when you look up, the sun is brightly shining?? But your personal cloud is so grey that it almost feels black with very weak brims of light...You are scared to look at it because you fear that as soon as you do, it will pour down again with insults, misunderstanding, hurt, and despair...You go about your day with your head almost wedged in between your shoulders, dragging your feet and wondering what exactly you have done to be mistreated? You're disappointed, sad, lonely, discouraged...perhaps even embarrassed to admit that you lack real friendships in your life...I mean REAL, the ones you'd die for and for sure they'd do the same for you in a heart beat...

And just at the very moment of despair of almost literally banging your head against the wall asking "what's wrong with me??", you get an email.
You get an email from a very unexpected and surprising source.
You get an email from a husband (!!) of your long time pen pal, who simply says "thank you" for being such a good friend to his wife, who lacks genuine friendships in her life right now....
And he tells you that YOU are that one friend for her that she values so much and truly treasures.
He says "thank you" to you for always being there for his wife, even from so far away....
He says "thank you" for being a good friend to her....

And your tears of bitterness suddenly change into a downpour of happiness...You cry as hard you as you can allow yourself to do in the middle of your busy day, and you lift up your eyes, look around the room, smile, and quietly whisper: "Thank you, Lord...thank you so much for being here for me...thank you...thank you...thank you!!"

surprise mail from pen pals is always the best kind of mail