Motherhood...

Every morning I wake up with the best of intentions, full of hope that today will be different from yesterday, excited for a fresh start, blessed with new mercies and forgiveness of yesterday's shortcomings....Every morning I promise to be patient and slow to loose my temper, be fun, be happy, be optimistic. Most mornings I feel refreshed and ready for the challenge of being the best mom I could be. Most...And most days I can keep it together and overlook the multiple tantrums, unfinished coffees, piles of dirt and toys and dishes and still say at the end if the day "It was a good day!" 

But some days....oh those "some days"... Some days are as dark as the dungeon with no windows and doors through which I can see at least a glimpse of light and hope...Some days I can barely move and comprehend the tasks at hand...Some days all I see are dark grey clouds over my head even though it's bright and sunny out...

Some days.......UGH, I imagine myself being in a car accident either dead or badly injured...so that I can stay in the hospital alone and take a break from all the busyness and craziness of everyday life... so that there isn't any more dark days and pain that comes with them......so that my responsibilities are over and done...so that I stop disappointing my family, my friends, and.....myself......
It sounds terrible. horrifying. selfish. crazy. disappointing....but these are REAL feelings if a REAL mom...a real mom who is actually a forever optimist at heart, who always wants to see the better side of everything, the mom who can't stand negativity and derives her energy from faith and hope and cheerful people ....This same mom who sees her kids as true gifts, undeserved and just PERFECT for her...yes, she can also see them as burdens and as some sort of a punishment for her mistakes....
Oh these dark days are thick, heavy, slow, and dense, like that black sticky sap on the trees....if you get yourself into it, you can barely get it off: it's on you, it's around you, it's everywhere, and you just sit in this black sticky goo and give up because you can't see the way out, there's no way....everything has become dark. you're stuck. you can't move. you can't help yourself.

But then, ONLY by God's grace, little by little I begin to miss my children...I  long to see their faces and touch their skin, I slowly begin to want to ask them questions and hear their sweet voices responding back....I slowly become "me" again, I return inch by inch into this bright day full of unexpected discoveries and underlying truths of yesterdays and revelations of tomorrow's true hope...The light becomes more evident and pushes the darkness away. I lean toward the light, trying to be careful not to burn myself and not to blow it out again....trying to look at it anew again and learn one lesson at a time...

The kids and I gather again around the table doing a craft or having lunch together chatting away about pretend heroes and adventures of their imaginations...I can acutely sense that at this moment I am present, I am right here, and I am aware, I'm alive...
I know this moment is very fragile, just as my state of emotions: it's fleeting and unpredictable... 
I try to savor it and enjoy the feeling of belonging to something special and unique, witnessing the moments my kids will be asking to tell them about when they grow up. 
I want to hold on to this moment so it can anchor me, to remember what it feels like to be in momentary contentment, and to feel happy, these wonderful happy flutters in my heart. 
Oh if I could just choose to be this grounded and content all the time, trust me, I would, I SO would...but some days I just can't.

But I know God has a plan for me still...if He didn't, I wouldn't be sitting here sobbing....
He only lets me get this far down to reveal Himself and to call my name and lead me back up showing bits and pieces of His greatness along the way...
I know that my emotions are not true....they are VERY REAL, but these thoughts of guilt and despair are contrived, deceitful, and vain, they are not of God.

I will wait for Him and listen..I will make a point to enjoy the little quiet moments that I get here and there, and I will build on that. I will pray and cry my heart out and be vulnerable. I will patiently wait for God's gracious hand to point in the right direction and...to softly pat me on my back...whether by ways of my hubby, or kids, or a friend. I'll take those human touches as heavenly strokes of my Father who never fails to show me His compassion and love and to lead me out of this darkness...

Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you. (Psalm 25:4-5)