hope

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 15:1-5)

Summer had come and gone....relationships--mended and broken again...hope--given and destroyed.
How's there still joy in life?
I don't have an answer.
It makes absolutely no sense to me.
And that's why I'm clinging to the only thing I know is certain, the only thing that is constant, the only relationship I can wholeheartedly rely on.
My God has never treated me badly, abandoned me, or looked down on me. When I mess up, I apologize. And He accepts my apology. Then He lovingly encourages me to repent and change my attitude. It all comes with an overwhelming flow of love and acceptance that fills my heart with hope.....that I will be ok. WE will be ok.
People...Well, people are just not the same. We have pride. And pride ruins it all.
My heart has been broken to pieces several times in the last few months.
I didn't think I could take any more pain, but I had to. And I survived. And I persevered.
I have to keep going, for when I loose hope, I loose the will to live....
There's so much to life than dwelling on the negative.
My hope is in the Lord.
It's going to be ok.
It's going to be ok...

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)

Motherhood...

Every morning I wake up with the best of intentions, full of hope that today will be different from yesterday, excited for a fresh start, blessed with new mercies and forgiveness of yesterday's shortcomings....Every morning I promise to be patient and slow to loose my temper, be fun, be happy, be optimistic. Most mornings I feel refreshed and ready for the challenge of being the best mom I could be. Most...And most days I can keep it together and overlook the multiple tantrums, unfinished coffees, piles of dirt and toys and dishes and still say at the end if the day "It was a good day!" 

But some days....oh those "some days"... Some days are as dark as the dungeon with no windows and doors through which I can see at least a glimpse of light and hope...Some days I can barely move and comprehend the tasks at hand...Some days all I see are dark grey clouds over my head even though it's bright and sunny out...

Some days.......UGH, I imagine myself being in a car accident either dead or badly injured...so that I can stay in the hospital alone and take a break from all the busyness and craziness of everyday life... so that there isn't any more dark days and pain that comes with them......so that my responsibilities are over and done...so that I stop disappointing my family, my friends, and.....myself......
It sounds terrible. horrifying. selfish. crazy. disappointing....but these are REAL feelings if a REAL mom...a real mom who is actually a forever optimist at heart, who always wants to see the better side of everything, the mom who can't stand negativity and derives her energy from faith and hope and cheerful people ....This same mom who sees her kids as true gifts, undeserved and just PERFECT for her...yes, she can also see them as burdens and as some sort of a punishment for her mistakes....
Oh these dark days are thick, heavy, slow, and dense, like that black sticky sap on the trees....if you get yourself into it, you can barely get it off: it's on you, it's around you, it's everywhere, and you just sit in this black sticky goo and give up because you can't see the way out, there's no way....everything has become dark. you're stuck. you can't move. you can't help yourself.

But then, ONLY by God's grace, little by little I begin to miss my children...I  long to see their faces and touch their skin, I slowly begin to want to ask them questions and hear their sweet voices responding back....I slowly become "me" again, I return inch by inch into this bright day full of unexpected discoveries and underlying truths of yesterdays and revelations of tomorrow's true hope...The light becomes more evident and pushes the darkness away. I lean toward the light, trying to be careful not to burn myself and not to blow it out again....trying to look at it anew again and learn one lesson at a time...

The kids and I gather again around the table doing a craft or having lunch together chatting away about pretend heroes and adventures of their imaginations...I can acutely sense that at this moment I am present, I am right here, and I am aware, I'm alive...
I know this moment is very fragile, just as my state of emotions: it's fleeting and unpredictable... 
I try to savor it and enjoy the feeling of belonging to something special and unique, witnessing the moments my kids will be asking to tell them about when they grow up. 
I want to hold on to this moment so it can anchor me, to remember what it feels like to be in momentary contentment, and to feel happy, these wonderful happy flutters in my heart. 
Oh if I could just choose to be this grounded and content all the time, trust me, I would, I SO would...but some days I just can't.

But I know God has a plan for me still...if He didn't, I wouldn't be sitting here sobbing....
He only lets me get this far down to reveal Himself and to call my name and lead me back up showing bits and pieces of His greatness along the way...
I know that my emotions are not true....they are VERY REAL, but these thoughts of guilt and despair are contrived, deceitful, and vain, they are not of God.

I will wait for Him and listen..I will make a point to enjoy the little quiet moments that I get here and there, and I will build on that. I will pray and cry my heart out and be vulnerable. I will patiently wait for God's gracious hand to point in the right direction and...to softly pat me on my back...whether by ways of my hubby, or kids, or a friend. I'll take those human touches as heavenly strokes of my Father who never fails to show me His compassion and love and to lead me out of this darkness...

Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you. (Psalm 25:4-5)

Grey skies, friendship, and flavors of tears...

Do you ever have a feeling that the sky is grey above you, even though when you look up, the sun is brightly shining?? But your personal cloud is so grey that it almost feels black with very weak brims of light...You are scared to look at it because you fear that as soon as you do, it will pour down again with insults, misunderstanding, hurt, and despair...You go about your day with your head almost wedged in between your shoulders, dragging your feet and wondering what exactly you have done to be mistreated? You're disappointed, sad, lonely, discouraged...perhaps even embarrassed to admit that you lack real friendships in your life...I mean REAL, the ones you'd die for and for sure they'd do the same for you in a heart beat...

And just at the very moment of despair of almost literally banging your head against the wall asking "what's wrong with me??", you get an email.
You get an email from a very unexpected and surprising source.
You get an email from a husband (!!) of your long time pen pal, who simply says "thank you" for being such a good friend to his wife, who lacks genuine friendships in her life right now....
And he tells you that YOU are that one friend for her that she values so much and truly treasures.
He says "thank you" to you for always being there for his wife, even from so far away....
He says "thank you" for being a good friend to her....

And your tears of bitterness suddenly change into a downpour of happiness...You cry as hard you as you can allow yourself to do in the middle of your busy day, and you lift up your eyes, look around the room, smile, and quietly whisper: "Thank you, Lord...thank you so much for being here for me...thank you...thank you...thank you!!"

surprise mail from pen pals is always the best kind of mail

40 days...

40 days...
It's hard to comprehend how these last weeks have gone so fast and so slow at the same time...
Today marks the last day of ritualistic mourning (according to the Russian tradition) for my Grandma...I can take off my black headband and start wearing color. I can go to the movies or sing, if I wanted to. That's the thing about it though--ritual--repeated motion, sometimes with no thought or emotion, done out of obligation and habit. Was it like this to me? To a point, yes. Why??
Perhaps, it's because the news slammed me in the head right after Christmas with no warning or signs of trouble. Not only was I not able to believe it and accept what was happening, but it happened so quickly that I also was not able to make it home in time to say my good-byes and attend a funeral. Though... how can you say "good-bye" to a person who's in a coma and who's been on life support...Would that really have been a real "good-bye"??? 

I go back in my memory to our last trip home...and that's when I know we parted...said our last good-byes, exchanged our last hugs...and I wiped the last tears off her wrinkly cheeks...I know she felt it could be the last time...I think I knew that too. 

Babushka showing her old photos to hubby...

Still, in the midst of the emotions and grief, I don't think I quite grasped the loss itself. I hadn't been there to witness her stroke; I hadn't been there to make visits to the hospital; I hadn't been there to hear the news; I hadn't been there to make arrangements for the funeral and go through the terribly demoralizing few days of parting with your loved one while trying to make decisions and arrangements for everything that has to follow such occasions. 

I received the news. I got struck with sadness and grief. I obliged to the ritual of mourning. But have I really mourned? 

It's the hardest to lose a family member and not be there to say "good-bye"...even to a lifeless body adorned in flowers and dressed up in her best get-up, surrounded by her close family members, beloved girlfriends, neighbors, former students, and spoken about in the best possible way...It's hard. 

It's hard to believe. It's hard to imagine what it would be like when we go visit home this summer. The truer, more acute and painful mourning would most likely happen there and then, when my heart would sink at the sight of my grandparents' empty apartment... and then my Grandpa sitting alone in my mother's house...No more "Olya!", no more "Alexandr!!!" shouted throughout their little cozy home to get each other's attention. They lived together for 70 years...70! I do know I'll feel incredibly and deeply sad...it'll be even harder to say good-bye to my lonely grandpa this time around...

I knew these times of loss were coming, and I thought I was somewhat prepared to such news after my Dad's passing 2 years ago. But it still slams you in the head like a bag of rocks...you feel paralyzed with shock, then pain, then emptiness...

My grandma was 89...A long and fruitful life, life of giving, teaching, loving, embracing the change...It was life full of memories and love. 

I'll remember your small frame, your wet kisses, your loud "teacher voice" and your beautiful singing voice, your love for scarves and for picking up wild mushrooms..Oh you were a true fanatic in the woods!! And of course, your traditional send-off gift to me--roasted pumpkin seeds. Your love and care were in that little bag of seeds, and I always ALWAYS thought of you with gratitude.

roasted pumpkin seeds from Babushka

simple tea parties at Grandparents' apartment

I sure do miss you, my beloved Babushka....I so do. I hope you know how much I've loved you...

Ok, 2014, here you are...
And here I am: humbled, broken, hopeful, excited...
Isn't that the state in which we are all year long? If you think about it, there's really no difference between the beginning of the year and the rest of it. We might get a bit of a high from the cliche phrase "new year--fresh start", but, really, that is a trap. A mental trap with social pressure and unrealistic standards.

Right around the first week of January, I read a great quote on Deeply Rooted Magazine Facebook page:

"Renewal is rooted in faith, not in resolutions! They are made for New Year's and forgotten on an average of thirteen days later, say the surveys. Faith is the result of a decision about Christ. I cannot make a new me or a new you, but Christ can make you new and me new, as well, if we decide for Him." 

Frank Harrington

It stuck with me: instead of saying "this year, I'm gonna change myself", I choose to say "I PRAY that this year, God (!!!)...will change me". What a difference it makes if you change just a few words. The whole perspective of "DIY" is shifted to release control and realize that our lives are not our own. God made us, and we are His.

Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. (Psalm 100:3 KJV)

So what am I getting at...
Change is good.
It's inevitable, and it's not always welcomed or pleasant.
But if we stayed the same, it wouldn't know the sweet presence of The Lord in our lives.
How so?
The answer is His Grace.
It's so amazing that we, humans, are not even able to fully grasp the magnificence of it...Only when we are united with God and made perfect in Him, we can. For now, we all are the same: fallen people...broken, sinful, and so-so full of pride. SO full of it. Even the kindest souls are still corrupted with selfish thoughts and desires. Out of those desires come selfish deeds and simple "innocent" white lies. But even these little mischievous actions or seemingly fleeting negative thoughts are still just as sinful as big and nasty ones. They hurt maybe not other people or not right away, but they definitely hurt God.
But God is there...right there in that moment of us committing the evil, big or small...And He doesn't leave us disappointed with our behavior...He's still there...And when we start feeling convicted and shameful of our actions and thoughts, when we humble ourselves, repent, and ask for forgiveness--He is there. Once sincerely asked, forgiveness is freely given. And we shall learn to accept it. And once we do, now that's the moment when we feel the presence of God...The moment of change of heart and a moment of joy within it that God knew and forgave. Even me.
God's grace in its glory...I am forgiven and given a new chance to start afresh, to learn from the mistakes, and to change.

The very core of Jesus' teachings is to change...to change your heart and, ultimately, to change your life. But HOW we approach change is the key. We cannot change ourselves, contrary to the ever so popular world views. But we can consciously decide to let God change us and renew us through Him.
Yet, it is also very important to stay true to our beliefs and constantly practice what we stand for. Not just on Sundays. Not just when we are with fellow believers.  But. All. The. Time. So while we let God change us, we must also remember to model our behavior and attitudes after Jesus in His consistency and perfection.

There should be a consistency that runs through us all. For Jesus doesn't change--yesterday, today, tomorrow, he's always totally himself. (Hebrews 13:7-8 MSG)

One of the first January sermons at my church had this phrase in it: "let me be YOUR HANDS, Lord, and do Your will." What a humble and simple prayer...use me, be in me, change me, do Your will through me...A fitting one to start this year right.

Bring it on, 2014! :)