4 years....
My chest tightens, and the tears are still at the edge of my eyes, ready to flow...
The time passes, and it's true that it eases the inner emotional struggle, but what it doesn't take away is the pain....The kind of pain that you can' explain or control, the kind of pain that is always nagging, always tugging, always reminding you of your immense loss...
As soon as my son't Birthday passes at the beginning of October, the memories overflow my mind and heart....That call I got right after the Birthday party week-end 4 years ago...I was still on celebratory high, still blissful and feeling happy and blessed to have a bright funny boy and a loving family who came to celebrate with us his 4th Birthday....still remember answering my phone while kicking up the balloons on the floor, looking cheerfully at all the decorations around.....and then "Bam!", the news hit...and my heart sank.
I will probably never forget this phone call, the one we all fear to get one day...The events rolled out so fast after that, and some details are fading, but I still remember slowly sitting down on a chair as I was listening to my sister on the phone and processing the news of my Dad being diagnosed with stage 5 cancer....I remember packing my suitcase to fly home...and how I packed black tops and black headbands, just as I was fearing I might need them....how I cried and prayed the whole flight over to Europe unable to sleep and rest and eat on the plane...how I arrived home and got weak in my knees seeing my Dad so frail, so skinny, and in so much pain....how I held his tiny big hand and prayed my simple prayer of salvation and how I so hoped he had heard me in his painful agony....how only an hour later I witnessed him take his last breath, and how everything after that became just a blur of a day with funeral arrangements, the afterglow with relatives, the first night without him and then weeks thereafter of my mom, my sister, and I together trying to figure out life without Dad....
In the 4 years that passed, I have realized that the pain though didn't fully disappear, it did subside.
It hurts, yet it doesn't sting.
It brings on tears, yet now they are more like a sad appreciation of days we had together.
It brings painful memories, yet it also brings healing...yes, pain does that. The more you acknowledge it, the more you explore it and address it, the healthier the relationship with your past is...You stop letting it define you, you stop living in it, stop regretting unfinished tasks, stop wishing for do-overs...you accept it as it happened, and you are able to move on.
I still experience pain....I always will. More losses will happen, and more tears will be cried. But my hope is that I will be able to rely on this experience to remind me that pain makes me real, pain helps me feel, pain brings on the healing.
You don't have to live in pain to heal.
You just need to have hope that one day it'll be OK.
One day, it'll be a different tomorrow.
One day, it'll be a new you.
I miss you, Papulya....I love you and I miss you....
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He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)
What a beautiful post!!! I found myself getting all teary eyed. I'm so sorry you had to loose your Dad. That must be so difficult. It's crazy how things can change in an instant, and reading your thoughts about that phone call just made my heart sink. I still remember getting the phone call from Dan's parents saying she had cancer and how shocked and sad we were. I love your thoughts that pain is real and brings on healing. It is so true. I've found lately that grief comes in waves for me. One day I'm totally fine and other days not so much but all various those emotions are good and necessary for healing. With Dan's mom passing, I find little moments hard like seeing something in the kitchen she got me, or coming across pictures. Praying for you:)
ReplyDeleteAllegra, thank you so much for stopping by and your kind comment and sympathy! I'm very sorry for your loss, too. It's really hard to see and understand any sort of "light" and "hope" when you are right there in the midst of a tragedy...but as time passes, you develop this unique relationship with your pain, which helps you learn to navigate through it, and you learn to accept it, and live with it. I remember asking a friend who had lost a dad also, how long it took for her to start feeling better and more or less normal, and she thought about it and replied "five years." I was shocked as I heard it because it seemed like such a long time...I needed to hear something more like "a month" or maybe "a year", but five? I remember feeling so discouraged...but you know, over the years I began to appreciate her honesty...It helped me to know what to expect and that what I was and still am feeling is normal and understandable. You can't rush your healing...it'll happen at its own pace, and if takes longer, I've decided that it only means the relationship was that much more meaningful and dear to my heart. I still can't bring myself to look through pictures or videos of my Dad...especially of the last trip we took to visit my family when he was with us. I really do want to though...I think it's so important to talk to the kids about their grandpa and show them what a wonderful man he was. It's easier to hide away and bury your feelings. And it's also very easy to start forgetting. But...the legacy our parents leave us needs to be told and shown to our kids. They need to know, and they need to remember...And I need to help them. I think this will be a huge step for me. I'm sure you feel similar about your mom-in-law. As hard as it might be, her name and memories with her and of her have to be shared over and over again...with time, it'll become easier to do so, it'll bring its own fondness and gentleness, especially through the eyes and memories of your kids...Sounds like she was a lovely lady and a wonderful mom and grandma...
DeleteHmmm, I'm realizing my blog is more of a "cry place" for me....I tend to come write here more often when my heart is heavy than happy...I'd like to change that, just need to get in the right groove!
I'm a lot more cheerful on Instargarm :) (punky_punky) if you ever have a minute to come visit there. Thanks again for stopping by, Allegra! You made my day :)