40 days

According to the Russian tradition, we observe a 40 day period of mourning to honor a deceased person. Today is the 40th day, and I have to say that it has been the hardest time on my life. I've never cried or hurt so much, and never did it hurt so deeply. I still can't quite believe that it had happened to my family...but the reality is slowly sinking in--Papulya is no longer with us. It still hurts whenever I think of him...I know it might for a while. It's hard to get used to new circumstances, hard to think differently, without him in the picture...but eventually you just gotta. It's inevitable and even necessary.  The longer you stay in your sad memories of the past, the deeper you get sucked into them...You don't realize you're being stuck, because your senses are so dull from the pain, and you think you're just being still in your sadness, but in reality you get swollen deeper and deeper into the swamp of your grief. Danger! Danger!


I do not want to be there...I want to honor my Dad by the great, funny, warm memories of him, and not dwell on the suffering of his last days or on my own pity. Papulya lived a relatively long and good life. He had worked very hard as an radio/telephone engineer at the same place for 35 years, something that happens very rarely these days, and retired with honors and recognition. He raised two daughters, watched them get married and have kids. What a blessing!! He immensely enjoyed having grandchildren. He loved them with all his heart, and they gave that love back in ten-fold!!! He was a good friend to many, reliable and trustworthy, always being asked for advice and opinion. But most of all, he was the best friend, a constant companion of 42 years, a loving spouse to my Mom.
We all struggle with the loss, but we all hold and will cherish many wonderful memories of my Dad...the memories we really ought to focus on at this time.


My Dad left this Earth very early, but that's only according to my timing. God had called him, and we have to find peace in this fact because it was according to His will, something beyond our power and understanding. We have to learn to accept this. And going through this painful process of dealing with the death of my Dad is a part of God's plan also...I hope and pray that it will only make us stronger and wiser in the end, not bitter and somber.


I don't really know what the future holds for me, for my family. I pray that we all find strength to overcome this dull pain in our hearts and will learn to take full breaths of air again, to feel joy, to smile again because something made us feel genuinely happy, whatever that something might be...
Papulya, my dear Papulya, you have been a huge part of my life, and you will always stay with me and hold that special spot in my heart. I hope and pray you're in heaven.
Люблю и помню.