My Mom

In the midst of my personal turmoil of emotions, I often think of my Mom.
My heart is torn as I suffer with her, and I'm so far in order to really help her go through this painful loss.
She's alone.
She's so lonely.
I ache for her...All of a sudden, her world collapsed, hopes and plans for the future were shattered, and the feelings of worth and belonging were lost...She's at a crossroads, and she does. not. know. what to do next. I feel for her. With all my heart.


She's always been so strong, so inspiring. In spite of the challenges in her early womanhood and family drama, my Mom managed to keep her little family going strong and making sure everyone was happy. She was determined to get her 2nd college degree with two little kids, has done it so well, and became a successful lawyer and a respectable colleague to many. Aside from her very sensitive side of personality (she writes beautiful poems!!), l I've always seen her as a powerful, smart, firm, and collected person. To see her crumble like this just makes me feel so sad and miserable. Where is this strength??? Where is this determination to stay afloat???


I don't know how I would have been feeling if I were put in the same life circumstances...Well no, I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't have been feeling lost. I know that I will always have a feeling of belonging, belonging to my Heavenly Father. I will always have His invaluable gift of hope, strength, constant companionship, and love of my Savior who never forsakes me.


I wish my Mom knew God as I do. I wish she found this peace and contentment with her present state of being...I wish...I wish...I wish so many things were different....I wish she had more close friends around who would support her....I wish she had a hobby or a pet that would keep her brain off of the lingering sad thoughts and this flightening stillness in the house. I wish I lived closer so that she could have immersed herself into her grand-kids and felt loved, needed, worthy...


But for every event, happy or sad, there is a reason and an explanation. Sometimes they are revealed to us, and sometimes we need to go through the indefinite number of trials and hardships before we realize why we had to experience this or that...I'm convinced my Mom is going through some sort of inner transformation right now. I hope and pray that this is God's doing, and He's drawing her closer to Him.


She's at her streghth's end and emotionally depleted.
She's tired. She's broken. She's needy...
But I know that this sharp lonliness may (and I hope it will) lead her to a start of her new spiritual life and maturity.


As much as I want to take all of this emotional pain away from her, I have to realize that this is what she needs to do, no matter how hard. I guess the difficulty I'm having is finding a balance between being supporting and loving to her and letting go of this nagging desire to "DO" something and allowing God to work in her life.


It's a toughie...My Mom does not know Him...she wants and needs earthly tangible help...and all I can do is call her, write to her, Skype with her, send her pictures of her grad-kids, and maybe translate Christian articles about grief and loss in hopes it will speak to her somehow and will be an encouragement. I have to remind myslef that I can only do so much. I am only human.


But the one thing I can do and should do more often is PRAY for her.
And not only for her healing, but most importantly, for her Salvation...