Today was a good day...

Hello there again! Two days in a row? Whoa...Something must be really brewing up there, haha...

I feel like my Birthday came a week early this year...For the second day in a row, my hubby is sending me away from the house to cook up something fun with the kids for my Birthday. I feel really spoiled. And grateful. For many reasons :) 

And so of all spaces and places I find myself in a Starbucks again with a venti iced coffee at my side and my little old white MacBook on my lap typing away my thoughts.

Today was a good day...

The kiddos went to camp for a few hours, and it was pouring all morning. Instead of running errands, I ended up on the couch with a comfy blanket...It was one of those mornings when I NEEDED to stay in and press a "pause" button on the busyness of life. In just 2 hours, I got my Bible reading done, had a wonderful time of prayer, read a devotional I've been putting off, wrote things down in my journal, read a few really encouraging blog posts...

NO, my house didn't get cleaned...And yes, the laundry keeps piling on...but after having spent that valuable time alone with God, I realized that having a messy house does not make me a bad wife and Mom. I took care of my spiritual thirst and hunger, and this morning energized and recharged me like no fancy super-caffeinated drink can ever do.

No, I am not a lazy and lousy house keeper. I am a "happy home" maker. I need to be saturated in God's goodness and replenished with His living truth in order to be the best that I am for my husband and my children, to make them happy, to make this home happy, and to create happy memories in it.

So yes, today was a good day. 

I feel blessed and grateful.

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My scripture reading today was 2 Peter 3:18 (NIV)
18 But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.

Changes...

     
Well, hello there....
A million times I have stopped by to write something worthwhile here, and every time I would get chocked up and sit in silence, knowing that my head will explode if I don't, but also sensing that I do not wish to write a "blah-blah" post for the sake of writing at least something. This has NOT been the idea behind this blog, and I was not willing to compromise it.
When I started, I wanted just an outlet for my emotions after my Dad's passing, and then I thought I would share my many craft projects I was occupying myself with to stay distracted and focused on something other than crying and grieving....but soon enough I have realized: I want something more. I didn't know what that was, but I knew I was missing something, and that "something" was integral, special, too important to ignore...So I have pondered.

My blog adventures just have not been quite the inspiring writing experience I had envisioned in my head...I can't say I was frustrated because I never set that expectation for this blog to go anywhere further than my couch, ha. However, every now and then, I would go back to it and think, "I wonder why this is something I long for, but somehow I am not invested and, what's even more intriguing, why am I not upset?"

After some serious soul searching this year, I think I'm just starting to grasp what I've been longing for specifically: a place to be myself, to be open about my faith, to be able to meet people who share the same passions and make new friends. It's not about stats; it's not about followers; it's not about popularity and earning money...it's about fellowship. A fellowship with fellow online peeps that is honoring to God is what I am after. A fellowship that is not about ME, but is about HIM and spreading the good news is what I long for. A fellowship that brings glory to God through everything we say or do is what I deeply desire. I am fully aware that Internet blog land is ginormous, and chances are high that my little blog might stay a tiny little space where I come ever so often and vent all by myself. I am not afraid of that.

I think I'm finally at a point where I can sense God's presence in seeking direction for my blog. I haven't before...all there really was just a desire to run away from the painful emotions and to immerse myself into the virtual reality where I can hide behind the "avatar" and have a happy Internet life with no death or betrayal...How silly.

I am encouraged and hopeful that this is a new beginning of something refreshing and wonderful, something that will bring people to Christ, something that would strengthen my own faith and inspire me to explore the blog land deeper than the superficial surfing and admiring the pretty pictures.
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There will be some changes made to this blog soon...I want to start afresh and move forward with a better vision and excitement.

Blog Notes...

Hi, blog. 

Long time, no see...I clearly failed to keep up with it, and I'm not sure where to go from here. 

I started this blog hoping it would be an outlet for my emotions and creativity, but I have realized over this past year that it is very painful for me to write about my emotions, and specifically, about my Dad...

I thought it would be easier to just let out all the emotions here, cry them out, scream them out, if you will. It's not. Even if it's in a blog, a place of certain serenity and anonymity...it's still hard. I think every time I tried to write something, I was reminded of what pushed me to start this blog--my Dad's passing--and I would get so sad and unmotivated that fun creative ideas I wanted to share just seemed so very inappropriate, and I would feel guilty.

It's been over a year now. Things have changed. Not better or worse, just changed. The feeling of grief is not as acute and piercing as it used to be, but a dull tug of sadness and missing my Dad is still present, and it's reminding me that... "I'm human." 

I don't really know what to do with this blog...I feel like quitting, but I know I'll feel worse if I do.  Start another one, just for crafts? I think I'll faint even at just the idea...I feel overwhelmed and overcommitted.

I'm going to leave it up to God...praying and pondering upon His will and calling is what always gets me through rough patches.

Ta-ta for now...

UPDATE: I've decided to give it another go. I'll probably move things around and edit some of the previous posts, so that they all fit into my vision of this blog better. I have to be careful and try not to be consumed by blogging and only devote my time to it when I actually have free time, and only when I feel inspired to write and share something, not because I have to write something this week or feel guilty that I haven't. My family will always come first, and blog second. There's just no other way around it for me. So that's that.

Valentine's Day

I know...Valentine's Day?? Wasn't it like a century ago already?
I am insanely behind on all my blog posts that I "write" in my head!!! I wonder if anyone else is like me? :) I have so many ideas and thoughts, and I simply do. not. have. enough. time. to blog about them. Oh well. Someday, someday...


As for Valentine's Day....it's not really a big holiday in our household. I mean, yeah, when my hubs and I were dating, there were red roses, romantic gifts, and fancy outings...But then we kinda slowly departed from the whole commercialized V-day propaganda and agreed to NOT get cheesy cards, to NOT buy red roses, and to NOT go out. What a couple of sour-puss losers, one might think. Hey, that's us!!! :)

{My NON-traditional Valentine flowers}

My hubs has the hardest time looking for NON-red flowers on Valentine's Day...No, I do not like red roses...I appreciate their beauty and elegance, I can stare at them and marvel for hours, but I just don't like getting them for myself. My hubs, being the "rebellious" one, still gets me flowers...I don't argue about this one...I mean, what woman would protest getting a lovely bouquet, such as this one??? :)


I know I'm braggin', but just a little bit :)
I, in return, make a handmade card for him. We both "break" the rules, but just enough to still stay true to our protest of this Hallmark holiday.


Now, when our oldest son started pre-school last year, things had to change a little around here. Obviously, now we talk more about Valentine's Day, and my little boy knows all too well that on that day he'll be getting lots of candy!
But for us the rule remains--nothing store-bought!!! Of course, there are exceptions, such as craft supplies and a piece of candy or a small gift for the classmates, but the general idea is that we make our own pre-school Valentines, and my son has to actually sign his "love notes".


Last year, he stamped the heart-shaped valentines with the letters of his classmates' names along with the cute stamped messages, like "Be Mine" or "U Rock".
This year, my big boy was able to actually write his name all by himself!!! Not only that, but he also did so 30 times!!!!! I mean, I was beyond impressed! He never sits at the table with a crayon for more than 5 minutes at a time. But he did so well! And of course, afterwords he declared that his favorite letter is N...and I....and maybe C....and K. LOL!! Of course, why not? :)

{N-I-C-K}

This year, we (ok, I) decided that we'll do something more interactive than just a note and a candy. I'd searched the Internet for some ideas, and one of them just stuck with me. It was easy to do and assemble, and it was unique and a fun activity, too! 

A Secret Love Message! 

It's written with a white crayon, and then you use CoolAid drink and a paint brush to reveal what it says! Here's the post where I spotted the idea. Heather from Creative Homemakers replaced the paint (that was originally in a BHG version) with CoolAid, which was brilliant, I thought! 

We gathered our supplies and got to work.

{supplies}

After Nick finished signing all his Valentines (with white crayon on white paper--hats off to him!), I wrote the rest of the message, which was quite simple:

{"Secret Message" Valentines}

Then, everything (a lollipop, a CoolAid single pack, and a paint brush) was glued together with a double-sided tape and attached to the Valentine note, which was then scrolled up and tied with a pretty red ribbon. Vo-a-la!

{all 30 of them...phew!}

{Find My Secret Message :)}

{All wrapped up and ready to be delivered}

I was very happy with the way it turned out!!
I hope the kids enjoyed it as well!

On blogging...

I'm SO confused...
As I entered the blogo-sphere a few months ago, I had no idea how much goes into blogging. No, really. I guess it's one thing to keep an online journal, and it's a totally different ball game when you want to BLOG.

In the last couple of months I saw so many blog terms that I, quite honestly, had no idea what they were...
"Linky Parties", "Virtual Parties", "Traffic", "Track back", Tagging"... Mama mia!!!
I mean, it's like taking a class in school again...I have no clue if I'm doing my blogging correctly and according to "blogging etiquette"??? I sure hope so.

And all those crafty ladies...Phew...There are so. many. awesome. craft. blogs. out there!!! I'm in awe of their talent and capabilities...But man, WHERE do they find all that time to put into a blog, not to mention all those fabulous projects? WHEN do they live?? Like, live a real life of a wife and a mother?
That's a real puzzle for me. They all seem to have kids and sometimes even jobs. Their blogs are polished, organized, interesting, and popular. How do they do that? Hmmm, I bet they have that "super-woman" cape hiding in their closet somewhere!!!! :) I sure don't have that kind of time for all this....I am a stay at home Mom, yes, and one might think that I should have all this free time, but, man oh man, I have to say that by my kids' bedtime, I'm almost asleep myself!!!! I am spent!

Well, and that's why my blog looks the way it does, ha!
Amateur, silly, cluttered...
And you know what? I don't mind. That's me :)
One of these days, I'll get organized and make this little blog one yummy eye candy :) However, this is NOT a priority for me, it's just a preference. I like reading other bloggers, probably more so than writing in my own. But sometimes I do get so inspired by my favorite blogs that I feel such an itch to write if not about something as cool and interesting as they do or make, but maybe write something that's on my heart instead or, perhaps, about something simple but fun that God enabled my hands to create.

I'm really so undecided on what my vision for Punky's Cluttered Mind is...It's definitely an outlet for my thoughts to be said out loud...At the same time, sometimes I feel like "throwing up" all my creative ideas and projects onto here because I can't keep them inside my head anymore!!!!! :) If I combine the personal and the creative parts...well, it's going to be quite confusing and scatter-brain-like, and...it will absolutely define "clutter"! Which kind of what this blog is about...to unload my cluttered mind :)
I don't know...We'll see what happens...

For now, I'm just taking one week at a time, trying to figure out the priorities and the commitment level that I want to have with this little "hobby" of mine. I like it here :) But I might not be as frequent of a host and as sophisticated as so many.
And that's OK by me!

My Mom

In the midst of my personal turmoil of emotions, I often think of my Mom.
My heart is torn as I suffer with her, and I'm so far in order to really help her go through this painful loss.
She's alone.
She's so lonely.
I ache for her...All of a sudden, her world collapsed, hopes and plans for the future were shattered, and the feelings of worth and belonging were lost...She's at a crossroads, and she does. not. know. what to do next. I feel for her. With all my heart.


She's always been so strong, so inspiring. In spite of the challenges in her early womanhood and family drama, my Mom managed to keep her little family going strong and making sure everyone was happy. She was determined to get her 2nd college degree with two little kids, has done it so well, and became a successful lawyer and a respectable colleague to many. Aside from her very sensitive side of personality (she writes beautiful poems!!), l I've always seen her as a powerful, smart, firm, and collected person. To see her crumble like this just makes me feel so sad and miserable. Where is this strength??? Where is this determination to stay afloat???


I don't know how I would have been feeling if I were put in the same life circumstances...Well no, I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't have been feeling lost. I know that I will always have a feeling of belonging, belonging to my Heavenly Father. I will always have His invaluable gift of hope, strength, constant companionship, and love of my Savior who never forsakes me.


I wish my Mom knew God as I do. I wish she found this peace and contentment with her present state of being...I wish...I wish...I wish so many things were different....I wish she had more close friends around who would support her....I wish she had a hobby or a pet that would keep her brain off of the lingering sad thoughts and this flightening stillness in the house. I wish I lived closer so that she could have immersed herself into her grand-kids and felt loved, needed, worthy...


But for every event, happy or sad, there is a reason and an explanation. Sometimes they are revealed to us, and sometimes we need to go through the indefinite number of trials and hardships before we realize why we had to experience this or that...I'm convinced my Mom is going through some sort of inner transformation right now. I hope and pray that this is God's doing, and He's drawing her closer to Him.


She's at her streghth's end and emotionally depleted.
She's tired. She's broken. She's needy...
But I know that this sharp lonliness may (and I hope it will) lead her to a start of her new spiritual life and maturity.


As much as I want to take all of this emotional pain away from her, I have to realize that this is what she needs to do, no matter how hard. I guess the difficulty I'm having is finding a balance between being supporting and loving to her and letting go of this nagging desire to "DO" something and allowing God to work in her life.


It's a toughie...My Mom does not know Him...she wants and needs earthly tangible help...and all I can do is call her, write to her, Skype with her, send her pictures of her grad-kids, and maybe translate Christian articles about grief and loss in hopes it will speak to her somehow and will be an encouragement. I have to remind myslef that I can only do so much. I am only human.


But the one thing I can do and should do more often is PRAY for her.
And not only for her healing, but most importantly, for her Salvation...

My Son's Surgery

A few days ago was my son's surgery...
Words can't explain how much I worried...You would think a simple removal of tonsils would not have you huff and loose your breath along with the focus as often as I did these past several weeks. I just couldn't let go of the fear that something "might" go wrong...The sinful and weak human nature...I feel so foolish sometimes, though I think these are the very same times that God humbles me and gently prompts me to let go of control I never really had. And I do...not without a fight....sigh...but in the end, I do.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones” Proverbs 3:5-8

My little boy was so brave, and I am so very proud of him. The Hospital and the doctors in general excite him so much! Perhaps, not after this experience in his life, but I have a feeling he'll forget all the traumatic things pretty fast. I hope. I pray that he does. He's a fighter, this little buddy of mine.
Not only did they take the tonsils out, but also adenoids and put the ear tubes in. Yep. We've had one sicky child on our hands for the past year. Countless ear infections, strep throats, snoring, sleep apnea...His tonsils were very large. No, H-U-G-E!!! Every doctor that looked at him was astonished that such a tiny boy would have such big tonsils. Well, big tonsils, big problems. And hopefully, after this surgery, things will change around here. Here's to better breathing and sleeping, better eating, better behaving...I'm not holding my breath for the last one, but a Mom can hope, right? :)


We had to stay overnight for observation, and I just feel so blessed that hub's sister was there to help with taking care of our little girl at home. My SIL is just the best!!!! She stayed at our house for two nights, and I did not worry about a thing. Not one thing. I completely trust her and was able to focus on my buddy, the surgery, and the hospital stay. It makes me appreciate it that much more that our family (or at least half of our family) lives near by and can be a part of our lives, happy parts and tough parts alike.


The surgery was a success, though the recovery wasn't as pleasant of a breathe as we hoped. Coming out of anesthesia was pretty nasty and scary. My heart was aching while watching my son going through these rants of drugged agony of wanting to drink and not being allowed and wanting the tubes for his IV out of his arm RIGHT NOW...Oh boy.
The night was tough, but the morning came. And it brought hope and new strength (in the body of my husband who switched places with me). We managed. We pulled through. Because it was all a part of God's plan for us, and we wouldn't have wanted it any other way.


As for now, we're in recovery mode. The little dude is pain. His "mouth" hurts...my poor baby. It's so weird to have a quiet house...And even though at first I was kinda excited and enjoyed this quietness for a bit, now I realize that I want my loud, hyper, crazy, funny boy back!!! It's just not the same, and it's just way too sad to see him so mellow and so quiet. It's hard to watch your kids suffer, physically or emotionally, it's all the same. You feel like you want to rip a part of your body or heart and replace it for your kid, so he or she isn't in pain anymore. I pray that he feels better soon!!!!!! And I know he will.

{Too. Much.}

{Drifted}

                                              

{Post tonsillectomy "Popsicle Slushy" Lunch}