Blog Notes...

Hi, blog. 

Long time, no see...I clearly failed to keep up with it, and I'm not sure where to go from here. 

I started this blog hoping it would be an outlet for my emotions and creativity, but I have realized over this past year that it is very painful for me to write about my emotions, and specifically, about my Dad...

I thought it would be easier to just let out all the emotions here, cry them out, scream them out, if you will. It's not. Even if it's in a blog, a place of certain serenity and anonymity...it's still hard. I think every time I tried to write something, I was reminded of what pushed me to start this blog--my Dad's passing--and I would get so sad and unmotivated that fun creative ideas I wanted to share just seemed so very inappropriate, and I would feel guilty.

It's been over a year now. Things have changed. Not better or worse, just changed. The feeling of grief is not as acute and piercing as it used to be, but a dull tug of sadness and missing my Dad is still present, and it's reminding me that... "I'm human." 

I don't really know what to do with this blog...I feel like quitting, but I know I'll feel worse if I do.  Start another one, just for crafts? I think I'll faint even at just the idea...I feel overwhelmed and overcommitted.

I'm going to leave it up to God...praying and pondering upon His will and calling is what always gets me through rough patches.

Ta-ta for now...

UPDATE: I've decided to give it another go. I'll probably move things around and edit some of the previous posts, so that they all fit into my vision of this blog better. I have to be careful and try not to be consumed by blogging and only devote my time to it when I actually have free time, and only when I feel inspired to write and share something, not because I have to write something this week or feel guilty that I haven't. My family will always come first, and blog second. There's just no other way around it for me. So that's that.

Valentine's Day

I know...Valentine's Day?? Wasn't it like a century ago already?
I am insanely behind on all my blog posts that I "write" in my head!!! I wonder if anyone else is like me? :) I have so many ideas and thoughts, and I simply do. not. have. enough. time. to blog about them. Oh well. Someday, someday...


As for Valentine's Day....it's not really a big holiday in our household. I mean, yeah, when my hubs and I were dating, there were red roses, romantic gifts, and fancy outings...But then we kinda slowly departed from the whole commercialized V-day propaganda and agreed to NOT get cheesy cards, to NOT buy red roses, and to NOT go out. What a couple of sour-puss losers, one might think. Hey, that's us!!! :)

{My NON-traditional Valentine flowers}

My hubs has the hardest time looking for NON-red flowers on Valentine's Day...No, I do not like red roses...I appreciate their beauty and elegance, I can stare at them and marvel for hours, but I just don't like getting them for myself. My hubs, being the "rebellious" one, still gets me flowers...I don't argue about this one...I mean, what woman would protest getting a lovely bouquet, such as this one??? :)


I know I'm braggin', but just a little bit :)
I, in return, make a handmade card for him. We both "break" the rules, but just enough to still stay true to our protest of this Hallmark holiday.


Now, when our oldest son started pre-school last year, things had to change a little around here. Obviously, now we talk more about Valentine's Day, and my little boy knows all too well that on that day he'll be getting lots of candy!
But for us the rule remains--nothing store-bought!!! Of course, there are exceptions, such as craft supplies and a piece of candy or a small gift for the classmates, but the general idea is that we make our own pre-school Valentines, and my son has to actually sign his "love notes".


Last year, he stamped the heart-shaped valentines with the letters of his classmates' names along with the cute stamped messages, like "Be Mine" or "U Rock".
This year, my big boy was able to actually write his name all by himself!!! Not only that, but he also did so 30 times!!!!! I mean, I was beyond impressed! He never sits at the table with a crayon for more than 5 minutes at a time. But he did so well! And of course, afterwords he declared that his favorite letter is N...and I....and maybe C....and K. LOL!! Of course, why not? :)

{N-I-C-K}

This year, we (ok, I) decided that we'll do something more interactive than just a note and a candy. I'd searched the Internet for some ideas, and one of them just stuck with me. It was easy to do and assemble, and it was unique and a fun activity, too! 

A Secret Love Message! 

It's written with a white crayon, and then you use CoolAid drink and a paint brush to reveal what it says! Here's the post where I spotted the idea. Heather from Creative Homemakers replaced the paint (that was originally in a BHG version) with CoolAid, which was brilliant, I thought! 

We gathered our supplies and got to work.

{supplies}

After Nick finished signing all his Valentines (with white crayon on white paper--hats off to him!), I wrote the rest of the message, which was quite simple:

{"Secret Message" Valentines}

Then, everything (a lollipop, a CoolAid single pack, and a paint brush) was glued together with a double-sided tape and attached to the Valentine note, which was then scrolled up and tied with a pretty red ribbon. Vo-a-la!

{all 30 of them...phew!}

{Find My Secret Message :)}

{All wrapped up and ready to be delivered}

I was very happy with the way it turned out!!
I hope the kids enjoyed it as well!

On blogging...

I'm SO confused...
As I entered the blogo-sphere a few months ago, I had no idea how much goes into blogging. No, really. I guess it's one thing to keep an online journal, and it's a totally different ball game when you want to BLOG.

In the last couple of months I saw so many blog terms that I, quite honestly, had no idea what they were...
"Linky Parties", "Virtual Parties", "Traffic", "Track back", Tagging"... Mama mia!!!
I mean, it's like taking a class in school again...I have no clue if I'm doing my blogging correctly and according to "blogging etiquette"??? I sure hope so.

And all those crafty ladies...Phew...There are so. many. awesome. craft. blogs. out there!!! I'm in awe of their talent and capabilities...But man, WHERE do they find all that time to put into a blog, not to mention all those fabulous projects? WHEN do they live?? Like, live a real life of a wife and a mother?
That's a real puzzle for me. They all seem to have kids and sometimes even jobs. Their blogs are polished, organized, interesting, and popular. How do they do that? Hmmm, I bet they have that "super-woman" cape hiding in their closet somewhere!!!! :) I sure don't have that kind of time for all this....I am a stay at home Mom, yes, and one might think that I should have all this free time, but, man oh man, I have to say that by my kids' bedtime, I'm almost asleep myself!!!! I am spent!

Well, and that's why my blog looks the way it does, ha!
Amateur, silly, cluttered...
And you know what? I don't mind. That's me :)
One of these days, I'll get organized and make this little blog one yummy eye candy :) However, this is NOT a priority for me, it's just a preference. I like reading other bloggers, probably more so than writing in my own. But sometimes I do get so inspired by my favorite blogs that I feel such an itch to write if not about something as cool and interesting as they do or make, but maybe write something that's on my heart instead or, perhaps, about something simple but fun that God enabled my hands to create.

I'm really so undecided on what my vision for Punky's Cluttered Mind is...It's definitely an outlet for my thoughts to be said out loud...At the same time, sometimes I feel like "throwing up" all my creative ideas and projects onto here because I can't keep them inside my head anymore!!!!! :) If I combine the personal and the creative parts...well, it's going to be quite confusing and scatter-brain-like, and...it will absolutely define "clutter"! Which kind of what this blog is about...to unload my cluttered mind :)
I don't know...We'll see what happens...

For now, I'm just taking one week at a time, trying to figure out the priorities and the commitment level that I want to have with this little "hobby" of mine. I like it here :) But I might not be as frequent of a host and as sophisticated as so many.
And that's OK by me!

My Mom

In the midst of my personal turmoil of emotions, I often think of my Mom.
My heart is torn as I suffer with her, and I'm so far in order to really help her go through this painful loss.
She's alone.
She's so lonely.
I ache for her...All of a sudden, her world collapsed, hopes and plans for the future were shattered, and the feelings of worth and belonging were lost...She's at a crossroads, and she does. not. know. what to do next. I feel for her. With all my heart.


She's always been so strong, so inspiring. In spite of the challenges in her early womanhood and family drama, my Mom managed to keep her little family going strong and making sure everyone was happy. She was determined to get her 2nd college degree with two little kids, has done it so well, and became a successful lawyer and a respectable colleague to many. Aside from her very sensitive side of personality (she writes beautiful poems!!), l I've always seen her as a powerful, smart, firm, and collected person. To see her crumble like this just makes me feel so sad and miserable. Where is this strength??? Where is this determination to stay afloat???


I don't know how I would have been feeling if I were put in the same life circumstances...Well no, I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't have been feeling lost. I know that I will always have a feeling of belonging, belonging to my Heavenly Father. I will always have His invaluable gift of hope, strength, constant companionship, and love of my Savior who never forsakes me.


I wish my Mom knew God as I do. I wish she found this peace and contentment with her present state of being...I wish...I wish...I wish so many things were different....I wish she had more close friends around who would support her....I wish she had a hobby or a pet that would keep her brain off of the lingering sad thoughts and this flightening stillness in the house. I wish I lived closer so that she could have immersed herself into her grand-kids and felt loved, needed, worthy...


But for every event, happy or sad, there is a reason and an explanation. Sometimes they are revealed to us, and sometimes we need to go through the indefinite number of trials and hardships before we realize why we had to experience this or that...I'm convinced my Mom is going through some sort of inner transformation right now. I hope and pray that this is God's doing, and He's drawing her closer to Him.


She's at her streghth's end and emotionally depleted.
She's tired. She's broken. She's needy...
But I know that this sharp lonliness may (and I hope it will) lead her to a start of her new spiritual life and maturity.


As much as I want to take all of this emotional pain away from her, I have to realize that this is what she needs to do, no matter how hard. I guess the difficulty I'm having is finding a balance between being supporting and loving to her and letting go of this nagging desire to "DO" something and allowing God to work in her life.


It's a toughie...My Mom does not know Him...she wants and needs earthly tangible help...and all I can do is call her, write to her, Skype with her, send her pictures of her grad-kids, and maybe translate Christian articles about grief and loss in hopes it will speak to her somehow and will be an encouragement. I have to remind myslef that I can only do so much. I am only human.


But the one thing I can do and should do more often is PRAY for her.
And not only for her healing, but most importantly, for her Salvation...

My Son's Surgery

A few days ago was my son's surgery...
Words can't explain how much I worried...You would think a simple removal of tonsils would not have you huff and loose your breath along with the focus as often as I did these past several weeks. I just couldn't let go of the fear that something "might" go wrong...The sinful and weak human nature...I feel so foolish sometimes, though I think these are the very same times that God humbles me and gently prompts me to let go of control I never really had. And I do...not without a fight....sigh...but in the end, I do.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones” Proverbs 3:5-8

My little boy was so brave, and I am so very proud of him. The Hospital and the doctors in general excite him so much! Perhaps, not after this experience in his life, but I have a feeling he'll forget all the traumatic things pretty fast. I hope. I pray that he does. He's a fighter, this little buddy of mine.
Not only did they take the tonsils out, but also adenoids and put the ear tubes in. Yep. We've had one sicky child on our hands for the past year. Countless ear infections, strep throats, snoring, sleep apnea...His tonsils were very large. No, H-U-G-E!!! Every doctor that looked at him was astonished that such a tiny boy would have such big tonsils. Well, big tonsils, big problems. And hopefully, after this surgery, things will change around here. Here's to better breathing and sleeping, better eating, better behaving...I'm not holding my breath for the last one, but a Mom can hope, right? :)


We had to stay overnight for observation, and I just feel so blessed that hub's sister was there to help with taking care of our little girl at home. My SIL is just the best!!!! She stayed at our house for two nights, and I did not worry about a thing. Not one thing. I completely trust her and was able to focus on my buddy, the surgery, and the hospital stay. It makes me appreciate it that much more that our family (or at least half of our family) lives near by and can be a part of our lives, happy parts and tough parts alike.


The surgery was a success, though the recovery wasn't as pleasant of a breathe as we hoped. Coming out of anesthesia was pretty nasty and scary. My heart was aching while watching my son going through these rants of drugged agony of wanting to drink and not being allowed and wanting the tubes for his IV out of his arm RIGHT NOW...Oh boy.
The night was tough, but the morning came. And it brought hope and new strength (in the body of my husband who switched places with me). We managed. We pulled through. Because it was all a part of God's plan for us, and we wouldn't have wanted it any other way.


As for now, we're in recovery mode. The little dude is pain. His "mouth" hurts...my poor baby. It's so weird to have a quiet house...And even though at first I was kinda excited and enjoyed this quietness for a bit, now I realize that I want my loud, hyper, crazy, funny boy back!!! It's just not the same, and it's just way too sad to see him so mellow and so quiet. It's hard to watch your kids suffer, physically or emotionally, it's all the same. You feel like you want to rip a part of your body or heart and replace it for your kid, so he or she isn't in pain anymore. I pray that he feels better soon!!!!!! And I know he will.

{Too. Much.}

{Drifted}

                                              

{Post tonsillectomy "Popsicle Slushy" Lunch}

Hi there :)

I think it may be the high time to introduce myself.
Hi, my name is Katya.

Funny/weird/unusual name, you say? Yep. That's my name all right. I'm originally from Belarus, a former part of the USSR. "Punky" is a nickname my hubby gave me when we met :)
I'm a Russian girl who fell in love with an American boy and found her happiness and home here, in the United States. Who would have thought??? I definitely never imagined my life to take such a turn, but it did, and I am forever thankful that God had brought the two of us together and allowed us to have a beautiful family with two little loves.

God, you say? Yep. HE is a big part of who I am today, and without HIM, I am nothing. HIS love and grace are bigger than anything I can imagine, and finding HIM was the biggest and BEST event in my life.


Two little loves, you say? Yep and yep :) I am a happy Mama of two crazy but wonderful kids, a son and a daughter. I work full-time from home...and no, I'm not telecommuting :) My job is to be a full-time Mom and a Wife, and I'm loving every minute of my house-wife-mommy-hood, no matter how hard, demanding, and exhausting it can be!!!

I enjoy (and that's an understatement, ha) taking pictures, cooking, traveling, and crafting with the kids, for the kids, and in spite of the kids! :)


What's the purpose of this blog? The name of it kinda speaks for itself :) I have about a million thoughts and emotions brewing in my head and heart at any given moment, but I hope that out of this clutter somehow I will be able to pick out now and then something interesting to share with the ever-so amazing population of the blogland.


Thanks for stopping by!
K.

Advent Calendar Activities

The list, of course, was meant to have 24 numbers. But, as it turned out, we are very busy people!!! Pre-school, play-dates, going out, church activities...I felt that if I were to try to do every single one of our planned activities, I would have made the kiddos miserable and wouldn't enjoy this holiday season myself either. So we took it easy, slow, and only did things when we actually had free time AND were in the mood. I think that's the best approach to anything! The kiddos loved every single thing we did, and there was actually some degree of anticipation: "Is today the day for the jars and projects??" "Yeah!!!" :)

Besides the activities, we also read to our oldest son from the book "The Jesus Bible" every night, starting with Jesus' birth story and explaining along the way the story and the meaning of our Salvation.

So here it is, a very condensed report of what we did for Advent this year:

1. Planting Paperwhites. 

The hope was that they would bloom on or around Christmas, and...they did!!!

Paperwhite update: December 28th, 2011

Full bloom!

2. Deck the halls!!!

I let the kids decorate our tree this year. It actually didn't turn out too bad :)

 3. Put the lights on our roof. 

Of course, we chose the coldest day of December (or so it seemed)

 4. Cutting out paper snowflakes! 

5. Decorating a Gingerbread House! 

As you can see from the picture, it was a total FAIL. That thing fell about 4 times, before we called it quits. Still loads of fun, which is what counts the most, right? :)

 6. Watching Charlie Brown Christmas for the first time

We gathered all the pilows and blankets (sleeping bags included) around the house and had the best slumber party!

 7. Making handmade clay ornaments for the family members.

 8. Going on a Flashlight Walk in the neighborhood to see all the Christmas lights.

9. Making a Cranberry Garland.

10. Opening the first Christmas present--Nativity Scene.

And celebrating Jesus' Birthday with some cupcakes!!!!! :)

And that's how we counted days till Christmas this year...