As hard as it was to realize that this is the first holiday without my Dad in the picture, it was a good time...time of healing and adjustment. I tried very hard to focus on the positives, on my kids, on my family that I still have. Yes, sadness is still lingering...sometimes it lets go, and sometimes it engulfs me with the unexpected waves of new emotions...Like when I had to send my holiday packages over to Europe and realized that a package to my parents' house is the smallest and lightest of all...It had never happened before...I would always send New Year's gifts, plus, a gift for Papulya's Birthday, which is right after Christmas. The package would be quite big, filled with surprises and some candy for my dad, who had quite a sweet tooth. This year, the packages seemed so light and slim...<sigh>....
Shopping was hard. Men's and fishing/hunting aisles were my enemies...By old habit, I would stop by there and start thinking "Oh, Dad would have loved that!!!" only to quickly realize: "Oh wait...not anymore" and to run out the store in tears...It was a hard holiday season...and it still continues.
As a Russian, I celebrate New Year's Eve, and so does my family. We would always call Belarus on New Year's Eve, at 5pm, to catch their beginning of a new year. The kids would open their gifts on New Year's Eve, leaving Christmas for focusing and celebrating Christ. Then my hubby and I would stay up till midnight watching a Russian movie, kissing at midnight, making wishes, and sipping something bubbly...I knew this year would be different...there have been already a few firsts "without Dad"...and it hurts, and it's natural.
Today is Papulya's Birthday. He would have been 67. It's a sad day...and I cry. I miss him...I miss calling him today and wishing him all the best, thanking him for being my Dad. I pray, and I pray, and I pray....and I say "thank you" to him this way because I don't know how else to send him my love. Happy Birthday, Papulya. Love you.
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