My Mom

In the midst of my personal turmoil of emotions, I often think of my Mom.
My heart is torn as I suffer with her, and I'm so far in order to really help her go through this painful loss.
She's alone.
She's so lonely.
I ache for her...All of a sudden, her world collapsed, hopes and plans for the future were shattered, and the feelings of worth and belonging were lost...She's at a crossroads, and she does. not. know. what to do next. I feel for her. With all my heart.


She's always been so strong, so inspiring. In spite of the challenges in her early womanhood and family drama, my Mom managed to keep her little family going strong and making sure everyone was happy. She was determined to get her 2nd college degree with two little kids, has done it so well, and became a successful lawyer and a respectable colleague to many. Aside from her very sensitive side of personality (she writes beautiful poems!!), l I've always seen her as a powerful, smart, firm, and collected person. To see her crumble like this just makes me feel so sad and miserable. Where is this strength??? Where is this determination to stay afloat???


I don't know how I would have been feeling if I were put in the same life circumstances...Well no, I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't have been feeling lost. I know that I will always have a feeling of belonging, belonging to my Heavenly Father. I will always have His invaluable gift of hope, strength, constant companionship, and love of my Savior who never forsakes me.


I wish my Mom knew God as I do. I wish she found this peace and contentment with her present state of being...I wish...I wish...I wish so many things were different....I wish she had more close friends around who would support her....I wish she had a hobby or a pet that would keep her brain off of the lingering sad thoughts and this flightening stillness in the house. I wish I lived closer so that she could have immersed herself into her grand-kids and felt loved, needed, worthy...


But for every event, happy or sad, there is a reason and an explanation. Sometimes they are revealed to us, and sometimes we need to go through the indefinite number of trials and hardships before we realize why we had to experience this or that...I'm convinced my Mom is going through some sort of inner transformation right now. I hope and pray that this is God's doing, and He's drawing her closer to Him.


She's at her streghth's end and emotionally depleted.
She's tired. She's broken. She's needy...
But I know that this sharp lonliness may (and I hope it will) lead her to a start of her new spiritual life and maturity.


As much as I want to take all of this emotional pain away from her, I have to realize that this is what she needs to do, no matter how hard. I guess the difficulty I'm having is finding a balance between being supporting and loving to her and letting go of this nagging desire to "DO" something and allowing God to work in her life.


It's a toughie...My Mom does not know Him...she wants and needs earthly tangible help...and all I can do is call her, write to her, Skype with her, send her pictures of her grad-kids, and maybe translate Christian articles about grief and loss in hopes it will speak to her somehow and will be an encouragement. I have to remind myslef that I can only do so much. I am only human.


But the one thing I can do and should do more often is PRAY for her.
And not only for her healing, but most importantly, for her Salvation...

My Son's Surgery

A few days ago was my son's surgery...
Words can't explain how much I worried...You would think a simple removal of tonsils would not have you huff and loose your breath along with the focus as often as I did these past several weeks. I just couldn't let go of the fear that something "might" go wrong...The sinful and weak human nature...I feel so foolish sometimes, though I think these are the very same times that God humbles me and gently prompts me to let go of control I never really had. And I do...not without a fight....sigh...but in the end, I do.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones” Proverbs 3:5-8

My little boy was so brave, and I am so very proud of him. The Hospital and the doctors in general excite him so much! Perhaps, not after this experience in his life, but I have a feeling he'll forget all the traumatic things pretty fast. I hope. I pray that he does. He's a fighter, this little buddy of mine.
Not only did they take the tonsils out, but also adenoids and put the ear tubes in. Yep. We've had one sicky child on our hands for the past year. Countless ear infections, strep throats, snoring, sleep apnea...His tonsils were very large. No, H-U-G-E!!! Every doctor that looked at him was astonished that such a tiny boy would have such big tonsils. Well, big tonsils, big problems. And hopefully, after this surgery, things will change around here. Here's to better breathing and sleeping, better eating, better behaving...I'm not holding my breath for the last one, but a Mom can hope, right? :)


We had to stay overnight for observation, and I just feel so blessed that hub's sister was there to help with taking care of our little girl at home. My SIL is just the best!!!! She stayed at our house for two nights, and I did not worry about a thing. Not one thing. I completely trust her and was able to focus on my buddy, the surgery, and the hospital stay. It makes me appreciate it that much more that our family (or at least half of our family) lives near by and can be a part of our lives, happy parts and tough parts alike.


The surgery was a success, though the recovery wasn't as pleasant of a breathe as we hoped. Coming out of anesthesia was pretty nasty and scary. My heart was aching while watching my son going through these rants of drugged agony of wanting to drink and not being allowed and wanting the tubes for his IV out of his arm RIGHT NOW...Oh boy.
The night was tough, but the morning came. And it brought hope and new strength (in the body of my husband who switched places with me). We managed. We pulled through. Because it was all a part of God's plan for us, and we wouldn't have wanted it any other way.


As for now, we're in recovery mode. The little dude is pain. His "mouth" hurts...my poor baby. It's so weird to have a quiet house...And even though at first I was kinda excited and enjoyed this quietness for a bit, now I realize that I want my loud, hyper, crazy, funny boy back!!! It's just not the same, and it's just way too sad to see him so mellow and so quiet. It's hard to watch your kids suffer, physically or emotionally, it's all the same. You feel like you want to rip a part of your body or heart and replace it for your kid, so he or she isn't in pain anymore. I pray that he feels better soon!!!!!! And I know he will.

{Too. Much.}

{Drifted}

                                              

{Post tonsillectomy "Popsicle Slushy" Lunch}

Hi there :)

I think it may be the high time to introduce myself.
Hi, my name is Katya.

Funny/weird/unusual name, you say? Yep. That's my name all right. I'm originally from Belarus, a former part of the USSR. "Punky" is a nickname my hubby gave me when we met :)
I'm a Russian girl who fell in love with an American boy and found her happiness and home here, in the United States. Who would have thought??? I definitely never imagined my life to take such a turn, but it did, and I am forever thankful that God had brought the two of us together and allowed us to have a beautiful family with two little loves.

God, you say? Yep. HE is a big part of who I am today, and without HIM, I am nothing. HIS love and grace are bigger than anything I can imagine, and finding HIM was the biggest and BEST event in my life.


Two little loves, you say? Yep and yep :) I am a happy Mama of two crazy but wonderful kids, a son and a daughter. I work full-time from home...and no, I'm not telecommuting :) My job is to be a full-time Mom and a Wife, and I'm loving every minute of my house-wife-mommy-hood, no matter how hard, demanding, and exhausting it can be!!!

I enjoy (and that's an understatement, ha) taking pictures, cooking, traveling, and crafting with the kids, for the kids, and in spite of the kids! :)


What's the purpose of this blog? The name of it kinda speaks for itself :) I have about a million thoughts and emotions brewing in my head and heart at any given moment, but I hope that out of this clutter somehow I will be able to pick out now and then something interesting to share with the ever-so amazing population of the blogland.


Thanks for stopping by!
K.

Advent Calendar Activities

The list, of course, was meant to have 24 numbers. But, as it turned out, we are very busy people!!! Pre-school, play-dates, going out, church activities...I felt that if I were to try to do every single one of our planned activities, I would have made the kiddos miserable and wouldn't enjoy this holiday season myself either. So we took it easy, slow, and only did things when we actually had free time AND were in the mood. I think that's the best approach to anything! The kiddos loved every single thing we did, and there was actually some degree of anticipation: "Is today the day for the jars and projects??" "Yeah!!!" :)

Besides the activities, we also read to our oldest son from the book "The Jesus Bible" every night, starting with Jesus' birth story and explaining along the way the story and the meaning of our Salvation.

So here it is, a very condensed report of what we did for Advent this year:

1. Planting Paperwhites. 

The hope was that they would bloom on or around Christmas, and...they did!!!

Paperwhite update: December 28th, 2011

Full bloom!

2. Deck the halls!!!

I let the kids decorate our tree this year. It actually didn't turn out too bad :)

 3. Put the lights on our roof. 

Of course, we chose the coldest day of December (or so it seemed)

 4. Cutting out paper snowflakes! 

5. Decorating a Gingerbread House! 

As you can see from the picture, it was a total FAIL. That thing fell about 4 times, before we called it quits. Still loads of fun, which is what counts the most, right? :)

 6. Watching Charlie Brown Christmas for the first time

We gathered all the pilows and blankets (sleeping bags included) around the house and had the best slumber party!

 7. Making handmade clay ornaments for the family members.

 8. Going on a Flashlight Walk in the neighborhood to see all the Christmas lights.

9. Making a Cranberry Garland.

10. Opening the first Christmas present--Nativity Scene.

And celebrating Jesus' Birthday with some cupcakes!!!!! :)

And that's how we counted days till Christmas this year...

Advent Calendar

I searched, and I searched...and then I searched some more...
I just wasn't happy with any of the ideas out there on the Internet. They were all either too simple (I know, I'm crazy that way), or too cheesy, or too big and bulky for my house. None fit my criteria: original, recyclable, and visual (my son particularly needs to SEE and count how many days are left till Christmas).


So I started brainstorming and looking around my house to find things I could repurpose for this task. I kept coming back to the empty baby food jars we had laying around, and all of a sudden it hit me: these would be perfect!! They are small enough to fit them anywhere in our house, but big enough to put stuff in them!!! A little treat or a little note...or maybe both!! :) Plus, they are definitely recyclable, so no wasting! Win!


The next task was to figure out how to organize them or arrange them that it wouldn't take too much space in our small house. I could have put them all in one long line on the storage shelve, and it would definitely be very visual. But the kids have direct access to that area because it's not very tall. Glass jars + kids' little busy hands--not a very safe idea. Maybe try arranging them on a table? And make a holiday centerpiece out of it...Hmmm...And here is when my brain started spinning extra fast: "...moving all the jars back and forth every time we sit down to eat is just too much...but what if they were all together, on some sort of a tray, or pedestal....or...."DING!"... A cupcake stand!!!"


It was such a simple but perfect concept!! Now all I had to do was to "dress up" my jars and come up with ideas for our Advent Calendar. Scrapbook paper, Mod Podge, some ribbon, and a sharpie--Lucy's baby food jars never looked so fancy! :)

Of course, I hit a tiny little rock on the way...the were only 23 holders on my cupcake stand...and 25 days. But the solution was pretty easy. We would do 24 days till Christmas, and for the #24 it will be not a jar but my kids' first Christmas present--Nativity Scene by Little People. We were planning to give it to them for Christmas, but doing so before Christmas made so much more sense!!! They would get to play with it and reenact the story of Christ's Birth on actual Christmas Eve--perfect!


So here it is, our simple but sophisticated DIY baby food jar Advent Calendar!

New Beginnings!!!

It's a brand new year and a brand new attitude!!!
This past year has been full of great events, trips, meeting new people, discovering new things and places...it has also brought some sorrow and sadness, which was very-very hard to take in and process, but it only magnified for me the the value of "today". I won't go into details of my resolutions for 2012 (there are so many, that it scares me that I have THAT much to work on :) ), but I do have an intention to change this year. I will take little steps toward my goals with tiny accomplishments and victories, all the while having fun with my two precious children and a beloved hubby!!


One of the things that kept me going during this hard time recovering from the death of my Dad were, believe it or not, holiday crafts...I admit, there were days I felt guilty that I enjoyed something as much as I did, where as I maybe should have been more somber and reserved. But...the two crazy kiddos that I'm given to raise and care for needed my attention, my guidance, and my presence. They don't have that emotional pain from the loss of their Dedushka (grandpa), and they don't quite understand the depth of my grief...They live in the moment...they only focus on emotions of today...and that's OK. That's kids :)


They saved me from having a self-centered miserable time at Christmas and helped me to look forward to something fun and exciting and to actually enjoy this time with my family and enjoy teaching my children about God's saving Grace and His everlasting Love.


I wanted the memory of my Dad to be present during this holiday season though...and one way to keep it  a constant reminder of him in the midst of "cheer and joy" was my choice of the Christmas decorations and our wrapping paper this year. The black represents the mourning for my Dad, the white is for hope that he's in heaven, and the red is for Christ. Every time I looked around our house, I saw my Dad being there with us...It was kinda sad to see so much black around us, but that's what made it special and meaningful.

We did quite a few projects kind of in the concept of an Advent Calendar. I say "kind of" because we never followed it to the dot, so I think to say that would be an overstatement. Nonetheless, it was a lot of fun and something that I hope the kids and I will remember through pictures for a long time.
I'll share what we did and how we spent the holidays in the crazy "R" household in the next few posts:)
As for now, Happy New Year!!!

Christmas is over...

As hard as it was to realize that this is the first holiday without my Dad in the picture, it was a good time...time of healing and adjustment. I tried very hard to focus on the positives, on my kids, on my family that I still have. Yes, sadness is still lingering...sometimes it lets go, and sometimes it engulfs me with the unexpected waves of new emotions...Like when I had to send my holiday packages over to Europe and realized that a package to my parents' house is the smallest and lightest of all...It had never happened before...I would always send New Year's gifts, plus, a gift for Papulya's Birthday, which is right after Christmas. The package would be quite big, filled with surprises and some candy for my dad, who had quite a sweet tooth. This year, the packages seemed so light and slim...<sigh>....
Shopping was hard. Men's and fishing/hunting aisles were my enemies...By old habit, I would stop by there and start thinking "Oh, Dad would have loved that!!!" only to quickly realize: "Oh wait...not anymore" and to run out the store in tears...It was a hard holiday season...and it still continues.
As a Russian, I celebrate New Year's Eve, and so does my family. We would always call Belarus on New Year's Eve, at 5pm, to catch their beginning of a new year. The kids would open their gifts on New Year's Eve, leaving Christmas for focusing and celebrating Christ. Then my hubby and I would stay up till midnight watching a Russian movie, kissing at midnight, making wishes, and sipping something bubbly...I knew this year would be different...there have been already a few firsts "without Dad"...and it hurts, and it's natural.


Today is Papulya's Birthday. He would have been 67. It's a sad day...and I cry. I miss him...I miss calling him today and wishing him all the best, thanking him for being my Dad. I pray, and I pray, and I pray....and I say "thank you" to him this way because I don't know how else to send him my love. Happy Birthday, Papulya. Love you.